"It takes a strong fish to swim against the current.
Even a dead one can float with it."
~John Crowe~
Even a dead one can float with it."
~John Crowe~
I blew it.
I really did.
It still bothers me.
Several years ago, M and I went to the flea market our city hosted every weekend. It was a huge affair, vendors traveling from around the region to sell their wares, items ranging from textiles to antiques to organic veggies to puppies. We happily wandered around, taking in all the sights and smells and sounds of a busy crowd on a crisp fall morning.
We stopped by one booth to purchase an item we needed. The man who ran the booth was booming and loud, laughing hard, joshing with customers, his vocal vibrato vibrating a few decibels louder than the general hum of the crowd.
We selected the item we were going to buy and approached the booth owner to purchase it. He began ringing it up and then beckoned us to step a little closer. "I've got a joke for you!" he chimed.
We leaned in.
He told a joke that was sexist, racist and vulgar, a triple in the inappropriate humor game. Had he thrown in a little blasphemy, it would have been a home run.
It was one of those off-color jokes that violated several key areas of things I hold dear, that stomped squarely on principals I live by. It wasn't funny, it wasn't clever, it wasn't well delivered. It was offensive, juvenile and shocking.
M took a step back from the booth.
And I...giggled.
I hate to have to type that.
But I did.
And it felt like I had sold a little chunk of my soul in exchange for a flea market item.
Why did I giggle? Why would I give this guy the response he was looking for when his vehicle was so vile? Why would I not stand up against this kind of verbal vomit, the kind that leaves an experience spattered in detritus that dishonors and divides and diminishes? Why fuel something that should be left to rust on the side of the conversational road?
Why?
Because I didn't want to make a scene. Because I didn't want to make the guy feel uncomfortable, ironically. Because I was shocked that he would tell such a thing. Because I was unprepared for it. Because I hate conflict. Because I just locked up. Because I had already bought into the jocular environment he had created around his booth and was already standing there with a smile on my face when he threw out this salvo.
Because I blew it.
I have put my finger in the face of a bully before. I have thrown myself in front of the bus to protect a principal that was being maligned. I have swum against the crowd. And in the interest of self-pride, I would have preferred to have written about those days, the days I have pushed back against the current.
But on that day, I floated like a dead fish.
Sometimes our desire to not rock the boat, to not be seen as a prude, to not seem intolerant or priggish or difficult or uninformed or dated or demanding keep us from protecting what is most precious~honoring our guiding beliefs and principals.
And a little bit of our soul gets snatched up in the exchange.
What about you? Is there a time you stood and stood firm against the tide of trend? What did you do, how did you stand, how did you put down the boundary lines? Or do you have a time of floating like a dead fish, washed in a swamp of apathy and regret? What did you learn? Feel free to respond in the comments or write your own post on this topic and then post your name and the url of your post in the Mister Linky's box below. As always, I amazed, delighted, inspired and challenged by what you write!
23 comments:
ok- i blew it too! i meant to leave a comment, but put my name in mr. linky instead! (you can take it off!) anyway- i feel that i stand against the tide everyday in the raising of 2 of my sons. after 10+years of homeschooling, VBS, sunday school, family devos, camp- they seem to have missed the message that we were trying to teach- to honour and love God, and serve Him in all that you do. the academics they have exelled at, but the spiritual side of things is definitely lacking.so every day i guard heaerts that don't want to be protected. i stand fast, and i will hold the line. i feel as if i'm losing a battle for my kids= but i will not give up. i'm just stubborn that way!
I blow it on a continual basis with my mother. She is a Christian...but she is also racist (I don't understand how you can be both...but somehow she is.) I have bit my tongue SO many times when I knew I should speak up to her, but she has always intimidated me. Sadly, my children have followed my example. No one will stand up to Nana! I am 37 years old...and I am afraid of my mother. Sigh.
I know where you are coming from. I HATE confrontation. I am usually content to sit on the sidelines and not speak up....until yesterday.
We were having a family gathering at my mom's house and the conversation somehow veered to politics. My brother's girlfriend started talking about the candidates and their abortion views and how she thought abortion was ok in certain circumstances (rape/ deformed child, etc). Well, I couldn't let that one slide. I told her (tactfully, I didn't want a family feud) that I didn't agree with her and that I believe that life begins at conception and that life and death should be in God's hands, not ours.
She didn't come right out and say, "Yeah, I think you're right.", But I am certain that I got her thinking. I am so glad that I chose to speak up.
It was wonderful to read this post. It seems like I've done a lot of similars lately...possibly in the past year or so. I think that somehow I've been in the position many times that you were that once. Definitely not all the time and definitely not in all situations. I think you explained it perfectly, in situations where you've already bought into the atmosphere and have a grin on your face when you're sideswiped with the off-color comment, joke, situation. I remember one man I used to work with never used to swear around me, tell inappropriate jokes around me...was just so very clean-cut and appropriate. One time, as I was doing some cares for him (I do home care nursing), he had Larry King on or someone pretty bawdy. We had been talking and joking around when Larry King said something on air that humor-wise was funny but the content was sexist and gross. I found the humor more in the delivery or situation, not at all in what was said. I kind of chuckled out loud and this client I was taking care of understood that I liked the humor. After that day, he was very often making stabs at similar humor...then I had to make a point of not politely responding with a smile. Very hard to backtrack once you've taken that step. Lately though I've gotten tired of politely laughing at stuff that I don't believe is right and just say, "Ew, that's really gross!" and leave it at that.
Does it pay to make a scene when that won't change anything? You weren't going to change that man's perspective by saying "tsk, tsk." And if your mother is older and not going to change her views, is it worth the family disharmony? I think we need to weigh all these things before we swim against the stream. There has to be some benefit (besides our own prideful satisfaction at being "right") before we risk offending someone like that, don't you think?
But an example of when I think it is worth it? I've been volunteering for the Democratic campaign. I take every opportunity I have to speak compassionately for the pro-life position. You never know what younger woman might remember my words years from now. Also, it is a lot of fun to freak people out.
wow. the timing.... I'm in, but I have to write around kids' sickness so I 'll come back and link as soon as I can.
Wow, you have me thinking very deep for a Monday morning! I just happened along to your site, but I really like it. I like that you stand up for what you believe in. Maybe not every time... but that is okay being you learned something from it... and it has effected you so much that you blogged about it and touched the rest of us with your insight.
Very nice. I will be back to read the rest of your blog soon!
I am a keeper of quotes and I may have to tuck this one away somewhere! :)
Yes, shamefully, I bow my head in disgust as I have done this. There are way too many to share. However, I do have a problem in saying, "no". I go along with the crowd and and try not to stand out. In doing this, I often find that I have lowered my standards.
Great post!
great post - my in-laws are extremely prejudice (which is so weird b/c MIL came from Germany at age 19??) anyway, when I first met them I had one HUGE inappropriate comment from FIL - I WAS SO FLOORED that I couldn't respond. But I let my hubbie know later on that I thought is was horrible. Last year, while in Disney with my children and hubbie's parents - MY CHILDREN were subjected to their insenstive comments. I WAS ready to explode! I do NOT want my children to EVER hear these words our of any mouth but especially someone so close to them! I did not say a word, but I was NOT happy and they knew it! But really, they don't care, they are in their 70's and will never change! Very sad!
Well another great post. This one proves that Octamom is human after all! ;) Sometimes it is easier to agree with something like that and then quickly leave, than to stand and make a point. Maybe we should make time to make a point more often rather than just going with the crowd.
Ok, I was trying to comment and put my name in the link? sorry!! One time in high school my boyfriend and I were at this hot springs, and this group of guys came, and got in with us, they kept swearing and saying theF bomb and taking the Lord's name in vein. I was this little 16 year old girl, and I told them how offensive they were, they started to argue with me, and I said, that is our Heavenly Fathers name you are using to cuss with, and this big mean guy looked at me and said "you are right, I am sorry" then they
quit their swearing.(in front of us atleast) My poor boyfriend at the time probably was thinking he was going to get in a big fight!! but I was so proud of myself, I don't even know if I'd do that now, but I should!!
Several blogs I follow, you follow too, so I thought I'd pop over and check it out. You did not disappoint. as a matter of fact I was at a birthday party this weeked where I "didn't want to be seen as a prude" there for make Hubby look bad. (His friens not mine.) In the past though I have stood up to people if the take the Lord's name in vain in my presence. Once, fine slipt of the tongue... again I say a little prayer that they'll stop. Again I flat out say "Look, I don't mean to be rude But you have just taken the Lord's name in vain like 3,4,5...times. I just can't listen to that happening. Could you please stop doing that or change the subjest so you wouldn't be tempted to say it." (YES, I've said this more then once!) Nice to meet you. I'll be back.
I am one who tends to NEVER stand up for myself. But I have quickly learned that when it comes to my family, I will stand up for them. I just posted a story today on my blog that I will use the Mr. Linky for. Thank you for sharing your story...I am sure I have done that exact thing before, when inside I was seething.
I am sure I've had this experience, but for now, I can only think of the opposite case. My daughter recently told me that her friend was having a birthday party at the movie theatre, to watch MovieXYZ. I told her she could go to the party, but only for cake and gifts, because I didn't want her to watch MovieXYZ. she gave me that whole "But all of my other friend's moms are letting them go.". To which I said: "Well, that is their choice, and if I am an "uncool" Mom, then so be it. I told you I don't want you to go, and that's it. When you are a Mom, you will decide what your kids can do. For now, that is my job." So she told me : "But I've seen the first movie, and now I cannot see the next one?" I explained to her that I had never given my permission to her to see the first movie, and I had been angry when I found out she saw it.
Where do we draw the line? Are we even allowed anymore to decide what ouor kids can watch on tv, movies, listen to? I have adamantly refused to buy an ipod, mp3 or whatnot for our oldest because 1- It is really bad for their hearring {30% hearring loss increase in young children in the past 10 years!} and 2- I don't her listening to that while she is with her family, and 3- I would not really be able to control what her friends will put on her player ~ so no controlling the type of music she listens to.
Are we too strict? I always feel like the meanest mom on Earth.
Thanks for being so honest. That is one of the many reasons I follow your blog. I have been on both sides of this fence and it's a terrible place to be. My hope is that I am the one taking a stand against the bad instead of allow it to walk all over me.
Oh yes. I have totally floated like a bloated fish. Keep your chin up. We can't all be super strong all the time.
I'd like to think I stand up for what I think is right, at least since I became an adult. I once worked for a place which had people walking around all day long with nothing but fakeness & smiles. Very Stepford Wives like. I didn't last long. I told them how I felt nicely, gave my 2 weeks notice. Went home for lunch that day only to have a silent partner in the company call me questioning my religion and she was nasty too. I told her where to shove it. While I don't encourage that, she was way out of line and it felt REALLY good to tell her off.
I usually don't go off on the person--telling them they are wrong, etc. but I usually never laugh or smile either--i usually just give them a very blank look -- that communicates clearly that I didn't find it funny. BUT when my children are present--it is a whole new ballgame--they are little and I feel the need to protect them. If it is a stranger and they hear it--I get away and teach, teach, teach to my child. If it is family--that I know will be around my child--I give them an option to restrain from it or not be around my child. I have learned a lot over the years--and refrain from controversy as much as possible (it isn't worth it-prayer works much better!) but when it comes to my kids--no compromising!
I really know how you feel. There have only been two times in my life were I haven't stood up for what I knew was right and I gave in.
Oh hon, you extended a grace to him that he certainly was lacking. I have done things like this that I regretted, for sure. It is hard when something takes you so much by surprise like that.
{{hugs}}
Steph
Hello :) Just a lurker here that enjoys your blog!
I feel as if I float belly up more often than I'd like - or I simply stick my foot WAY down deep in my mouth. I try to say something when I hear other people saying things that I find offensive, because when I don't - I feel like a complete schmuck. I am a passionate person, with strong opinions about right and wrong...but I'm also a huge softie that is easily hurt.
So when I say something to the person in the bus line who is spouting off at the mouth about how re*arded something is and I get this look that says - dude, shut the f up and mind your own business - it makes me kinda sad.
But I know I feel worse when I DON'T say something... even though sometimes I really don't want to rock the boat.
oy :/
My father is aging and with that he speaks more without a filter. In restaurants with waiters, in family gatherings he speaks what he is thinking. This has been cause for embarrassment on my part. Many times I have ignored it. This August when my daughter had a birthday and my parents joined us for dinner my father made a very cutting remark about my mother in front of my 23 year old daughter. I was shocked..dismayed..embarrassed and I hurt for my mom. I guess she takes it in stride with 52 years under her belt with him but I could not stay quiet. I made a remark about his comment and he quietened. I really do not have an answer for this situation. Should he be ignored because he is aging and is my father and my mother's husband and daughters' grandfather? or should I treat him as the adult he is and speak up for my mother and daughter when the situation presents itself. Where is the line between respecting, taking hits from, or ignoring your elders, and speaking up!
Dead Fish??? or Pirahna??? or something in between??
I have stood up to my father-in-law so many times in front of my kids for this very reason. I feel like a good mother for doing it, but I am not a very loved DIL. It is hard.
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