So frugal living has become the new black. In my own little Private Idaho blog world, I keep encountering beautifully written posts by my fellow blogging sisters listing ingenious ways for saving pennies and cutting corners. It is timely stuff, a proactive response to a volatile market and soaring costs. Frugal sisters, I salute you.
But no one is talking about the dark side.
There is a dark side to frugality, my Gentle Readers, and while I don't want to rain on anyone's prudent parade, I would be irresponsible if I did not open the vault of my collective wisdom (a locket though it may be) and shower you with the wealth of my experience.
Because someone has to do it.
There is a dark side to frugality. Consider this an Octamom Fable, a venue for teaching a greater truth within the construct of a memorable story. I'll be sure and make an obvious application at the end, so as to make sure you don't miss the point...being that I'm so deep and metaphorical and all.
It was Autumn of 1995. Yes, I know the majority of you were still in junior high at the time, but some of us old gals had already set up housekeeping. M was in the early season of his career. We had two babies. We were young, in love, and scrambling to build a business and keep up with our little mortgage. We were doing all things cost-cutting, eating lots of cheap pasta and somehow surviving without cable. And gas was up to just over a dollar a gallon...crazy inflation, I know.
It was very important for M to look professional and well put-together in his particular industry and we had a challenge with which we were having to deal. Now M is one of those guys who looks clean cut even after hiking 16 miles up some of the steepest terrain in the U.S. M is one of those guys who looks refreshed and coiffed after running on the treadmill. M is one of those guys who somehow manages to still look well-groomed after mucking out a septic system . Well groomed and put-together was not the problem.
It was M's stubborn refusal to look any older than 14 years old in an industry that would frown upon teenagers running the home office.
So we were diligent in doing all we could to overcome this curse of youthful appearance. We kept his shirts perfectly pressed, his shoes perfectly buffed. And we always made sure his hair was kept in perfect preppy polish.
M had landed a meeting with a huge potential client in that Frugal Fall of '95. We spit and polished and shined and ironed and starched. And then M asked me to freshen up his 'do.
I had been cutting M's hair for several years, all in an effort to cut costs along with follicles. I had gotten pretty good at it, had invested in some nicer scissors and and clippers. We had pretty much gotten our hairdo dance down.
M sat on a kitchen stool, I got out my scissors and clippers and went to work. ZZZZZT. ZZZZZZT. Clip. Clip. I finished up this latest trim by removing the guard from the clippers and cleaning up the back of his neck.
For those of you unfamiliar with clippers, they come with guards of various lengths. You can choose to run the clippers over your boy's head with, say, a 1/2 inch guard on the clippers and it will give you a longish buzz cut. You can change out the guards to whatever desired length for various looks. Or you can remove the guard completely if you want to use the clipper as a pseudo-electric razor. But I digress.
I clipper-cleaned up the back of M's neck and stood back to survey my work. I circled to the front, looked at M carefully and said, "Okay, all done. Well, wait--there's an area over your left ear that I need to touch up just a bit." I grabbed the clippers and gave it a quick ZZZZZT.
But I had never put the guard back on the clippers.
And now M had a shiny, white 1 inch by 1 inch square of naked scalp over his left ear.
I stood for a moment in shock. And then I grabbed M's head and pressed it to my bosom (because I find all bad news is softened if I tell him from this position). "You're gonna kill me! You're gonna kill me!" I wailed. And I started to cry.
I am not a crier.
M disentangled himself from my bosom half-Nelson and gave me a little pat. "It can't be all that bad..."
"It is, it is , it is that bad!!!! It is very bad! It is very, very, very bad!!!!" I was now two shades shy of hysteria.
M slowly stood up, carefully brushed the cut hair from his lap and proceeded to the nearest mirror, me trailing him, wailing.
Arriving at the mirror, he took in his shorn visage. And was silent. And then was silent a little longer. And finally said, "Yeah, it's pretty bad."
"I know, I know, I told you, I told you, it's all my fault and I forgot the guard and why do they make guards and shouldn't there be a warning light or something and I've never, never, never done anything like this before, remember, remember, remember?!?!?! I mean never and I'm sossososososososso sorry......" me, wailing, wailing, wailing.....
M. Silent.
My creative right brain then borrowed some synapses from the logical left brain and I began to construct some possible solutions.
"Okay, okay, okay, here's what we'll do....okay, I'll get a Sharpie and draw stitches on it and then you can just tell the client that you had a little cut and that's why that part of your head is shaved...."
"Somehow I don't think a head wound is the best way to build confidence with a potential client," M said slowly.
"Okay, okay, okay....we'll just shave it up over the ear on both sides....you know, kind of a severe flat top kind of a thing--you know, a lot of the the kids are doing it now...."
"Somehow I don't think converting my image into a surfer/skateboarder dude will engender client confidence." M was now responding in a flat monotone.
"Okay, okay, okay.....wait here, wait here, wait here.....I can fix this, I can fix this...." I ran to my craft supply cabinet, grabbed an item, ran back to the hair cutting carnage, scooped up some fallen tufts and ran back in the bathroom.
And proceeded to use Elmer's Glue and left-over hair to create a hair adhesive, applying glue and hair to the shaven spot.
And it worked. It worked well.
Until it dried.
And this is where I have to take issue with Elmer's Glue. Because for all the promise that it will dry clear, it.does.not.
At least on a human scalp.
On a human scalp, if you create a blend of hair and glue, it will at first look like a genius idea. And then it will dry. And then the glue will dry a milky shade of white.
And then it will look like a pus-seeping, hairy mess.
By this point, M's reservoir of grace was pretty much tapped out. And I was frantic.
And then, like a voice from the heavens, I heard 'Covergirl WaterProof Eyeliner in Chestnut Brown'.....
I ran for my makeup bag, found the right cosmetic product and like a woman following a vision, I colored in M's scalp.
CoverGirl Chestnut Brown.
Genius.
It worked. It worked best in indoor lighting if you didn't look at M from the side. M met with the client, who was none the wiser about the naked, colored scalp until M had sealed the deal and then told the client the story--who thankfully thought it was highly amusing.
M carried his eyeliner with him for a couple of months. His hair apparently takes a long time to grow in when it's been shaved down a couple layers past the the top most epidermis. He had a special pocket in his briefcase where he kept his CoverGirl Chestnut Brown Eyeliner so he could make touch-ups throughout the day.
And we did have a few incidents of him yelling from the bathroom, "Octamom (he's prophetic like that, seeing as how we only had two kids at the time...) Octamom, where's my eyeliner? Did you borrow it again?!?"
And now the moral of the story.
The dark side of frugality.
I forgot to take any pictures of this incident.
The only photo I have of the side of M's head from this time is our picture for our '95 Christmas card. And because I'm so thoughtful, I'll crop this in a little so you can hopefully see a bit of the scalp through the CoverGirl Chestnut Brown Eyeliner.
And now a little closer....
...and.....BAM!
See, that's the danger with frugality. You may forget to photographically record the results of your frugal efforts. And that's a real shame. That's the danger. That's the dark side.
So, please, please learn from my mistakes. When you are cutting your husband's hair so as to save money, and when you shave a big ol' square on the side of his head before an important meeting, don't forget to take pictures. Several. Take one for me. Make it a close-up. In thirteen years, you'll thank me.
Blessings,
52 comments:
Look at you all cute and 90's!
That is one funny story. My husband gives our boys haircuts. Boy, do they look awful. Fortunately they seem to be sweaty most of the time, so you can't really tell.
This post would've been much better reading if I could've seen the words through my hysterics. OMgosh, I had tears streaming down my face I was laughing so hard. Maybe it's because our frugality stage has cursed all of our '97 photos with my Hubby looking like Forest Gump with my mad home hairkut skilz!
This is one thoughtful post-- thank you for sharing the dark side so that others don't make these mistakes.
holy cow I am still laughing.
That story is the exact reason my hubby will not allow me to touch his hair.I LMAO when you got the Elmers glue too funny.I have a book meme for you at my place.
That was hilarious! I can't imagine what my husband would do if I did such a thing to him. I also am not allowed to touch my hubby's hair. BTW: Did anyone ever tell you that you looked like Lisa Welchel back then? Yup! I think so.
Oh my goodness! I spit orange juice on my desk laughing at this one! :o)
My husband works in construction. If I did this to him, I just don't think eyeliner would cut it, what with all the sweat and all. He'd probably just make him shave him bald and let it all grow back. He'd just wear a hat 24/7. LOL
Your post was hilarious! I am starting my frugality with my 10 month old. The last haircut I gave him (last week) made him look like the Jim Carrey character in Dumb and Dumber. Thankfully my husband is basically bald and shaves his head, without the guard, himself.
I laughed. I guffawed. I said a word of thanks that although I cut the hair of the rest of my family, I haven't done this ...yet. This post will go on my list of favorites to put out there one day!
So funny! My husband has had this experience himself - his own doing, not mine!
It reminds me of my friend's husband taking her on a surprise trip to Paris for their anniversary. When I called her in the car she said "It's really exciting! I don't know where we're going but it must be close by, I checked when we left and our passports were still in the desk drawer." Cue emergency brake and U-turn!
Once upon a time, I was a 21 year old wife of an Airman. A two striper. Not much money. He had to have haircuts...like...every other week. So he obtained some clippers and asked me to cut his hair. I'd watched the barber, (kinda like when I was 12, I thought I could drive because I'd watched my mom drive, and backed her Buick into the garage)sure I could do it.
Just like the car halfway through the garage door, dh had half a very very bad haircut. I cried all day.
17 years later, the only haircut I give him is a buzz. Of course there's a lot less hair now...
Thanks for the wisdom that only comes from experience. I cut my husband's hair also and I am come close to certain disaster so I'll have to remain careful.
Oops. Did this to Lion. He already hated hair cuts but saving $25 worth of screaming at the hairdresser I figured he could scream at me for free! I hadn't had the clippers out for ages so I started on the back. If anything went wrong I figured I could shave it at the back and no one would know I stuffed up. Back worked just fine! First clip from the forehead to the crown right down the middle the guard slipped. Sheared it off to the scalp. Not much choice but to do the same all over. One of my friends husbands took to calling my poor 2 year old "chemo-kid" and asking how he liked camp quality (a camp for kids with cancer). Still another time one of his little friends got a battery operated toy stuck in his hair (ouch, poor Lion) and tore out from the roots a little shiny bald landing strip about 5cm long. Poor kid, no wonder he still chucks a tanty over hair cuts at 4!
Oh my!!! I was in stitches reading this!!! J saves the $4.99 coupons to go get his haircut as Im scared to do it.
That was hilarious...I'm sure it wasn't at the time. I would have cried too. At least you didn't try to use a glue gun on him! M is very handsome...you two make a gorgeous couple!
Elmers Glue! :-) Too funny! Exactly why I don't attempt to cut my husband's hair!
You are Hilarious!! And funnies aside, my hubs would NEVER let me cut his hair!!
I have been cutting hubby's hair for ages, in order to save money, too. My mom taught me the basics of hair clippers and scissors. I can assure you I've added some bald spots on his head too, mostly in the back though.
Hubby works in the computer industry, so he wouldn't really care if he had a bald spot, he'd probably just shave the whole head with a Bic rasor ~ kind of like the time he was a teenager and his basketball team buddies told him they would cut his hair for him... not the best!
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
MY H did this TO HIMSELF this year, and then decided to take it all off and go bald.
he he heee
YOU GUYS ARE ADORABLE!!!!!!!
You are SO funny. I mean seriously. This is HYSTERICAL.
:) Funny stuff. Yea, my hubby begged me to cut his hair to save money in the early years. "It can't be that hard" is all I heard until I actually tried--and we ended up laughing so hard and finishing the job with mohawks, etc. until it was all completely shaved. He really lookd like he was going through chemo--people actually gave him sympathy looks for awhile. And that was the end of it--he pays someone now. :)
OK, I laughed so hard I was crying! or course this happens right before the important interview and the elmers glue with the hair on it!! that is priceless
OK, I laughed so hard I was crying! or course this happens right before the important interview and the elmers glue with the hair on it!! that is priceless
That was hilarious!
I did nearly the same thing to my hubby (he REFUSES to go to a barber, no matter how much I plead with him. He's cheap like that) but it resulted in my giving him a buzz cut. With a #3 guard all over his head. I thought he looked like some of those wackos you have up there in Idaho. You know the ones...
He loved it. That's still his preferred hair cut. I think he needs to look more professional than that. So far I'm winning. But I think he secretly hopes that I will mess up again so he can have his head nearly hair-less.
Thank you for the laugh!
Oh Octamom. That was rich!!!!!! I was taking notes as I was reading. Does anyone else do that? hah! I didn't want to forget to comment on a couple of things. A puss-seeping hairy mess...nice. And that eyeliner, I have been using it for years. Love it!!!!!!!!! You guys are too much.
I cut EmDee's hair...before our wedding he kept telling me to hurry up - I was terribly afraid I was going to do something like that! These days he's thin on top so these days I just take the guard off and go to town.
I keep asking him to let me Bic it, but he's afraid my hand isn't steady enough!! :)
thanks for the laughs...imagining you gluing hair to your poor hubby's head just sent me into mild hysterics...
OH.my. GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I laughed so hard i looked like an anime character - eyes streaming, nose gushing!
Oh i wish you could have seen how i butchered my poor husband's hair earlier this year...every time i looked at him I'd passionately cry, "A weed hacker, Vern! A weed hacker!!".
I totally did this to my husband (before he was my husband) I also clipped his ear with the scissors. He still married me. I don't really get that part.
My son is getting ready to go on his mission. DH thought this would be a really good time to teach him how to cut hair - his own and others. He did his first two victims on Sat. DH even went under the clippers held by his novice hands! He's a braver man than I.
Oh My Gosh! You are too funny! I love the close up pictures! Priceless!
That is a "priceless" story! I never take scissors near human hair. I always tell my kids...if you don't have a license from beauty school... No. Cutting. Hair.
Great pics!
I did O.K. until the time Mr. Smith talked me into trying a flat top. It was so bad. Later that day the barber read Mr. Smith the riot act. Then he taught me how to give a flat top.
Oh the story had me rolling. Espically the end about not forgetting to take pictures. I've had my own bad haircuts like when my aunt who used to cut hair for a living cut mine and instead cut my ear. It made me fearful for years of someone else doing that.
OK that was brilliant!! You really got me at "pus-seeping, hairy mess" ROFL!!!! I also cut my husbands hair and have come a little to close for comfort at times, but he wears a hard hat so no worries there, lol!!
Dying here. Dying. I DO see the dark side to frugality here. My husband would have killed me. Especially if he had to carry around a eyeliner for months. Thanks for this story today. I love laughing and laughing.
P.S. He's SO prophetic. :)
And that is why even though I do a great job cutting my boys' hair, and Todd has asked me many times to cut his, I refuse! I am just too scared to make a mistake on his head. A little boy has goofy hair and no one cares. Todd has to stand up in court with a bald patch? Not good.
;)
Hilarious story! Love it!
ROFLMBO!! Too funny. Poor M. My hubby would have shave the rest of his head to match, so i do the opposite - let mine grow long and therefore not have to pay to get it cut!!
Loving it!!!!!!!! We are very frugal, but that is one thing I will not do. Frugal or not. I will not cut any hair in my family, for I know that I too would end up with Covergirl on all of our heads.... ;)
Oh, my, I have tears in my eyes. This was laugh-out-loud funny. Incredibly so!
And where in your brain do you dream up or think up or remember up all of your stories? I have to share this with my sister!
Roban
I think I just wet my pants! HYSTERICAL!
You are tooooo funny. Love your blog design.
That is hilarious! The funny thing is that I immediately thought of coloring it with an appropriate make-up color.
First orders of business first: I was not in junior high, I was a freshman, busy dealing with unrequited love on the boy scene and the fact that my mother was expecting a baby. Good thing I had nine months to get over it, because once B popped out, I was enamored.
The author of this comment, affectionately known in some bloggy circles as a compulsive uber minimalist (complete with the 'snark' and 'snort') must too confess that she became frugal-stylist-Barbie almost immediately upon tying the knot, and has committed similar...what shall we call them...grievous acts of epidermal eradication as well. But yours takes the cake.
Thanks for making me laugh so much! I'm kind of cold. You wouldn't happen to have any of those hott '90s sweaters on hand, would you?
OK, I just looked up a bunch of stuff online and that is a hoax!! relax we can use our cell phones again!! I might remove the post from my blog!!
I am still chuckling even after reading all your comments here! What a funny story, and you told it so well.
I did a similar thing to my husband. He cuts his own hair, and I watched him often. Once he asked me to get the fluffy bits off the back of his neck. I'd never used the clippers before, but I bravely took them and ran them up the back of his head - only to realise that he had taken the guard off! He was pretty cranky, but he ended up giving himself a shave all over! Oh I felt so bad!
This made me laugh out loud!! Oh, I can so relate. I remember when we were first married and I was so tight with the purse strings I'd be appalled if my husband suggested that we eat "out" at McDonald's if, indeed, we'd already eaten there the week before! Oh, the wasteful indulgence!!
Ha! Thank GOODNESS for him (and me!!) I've done a 180.
Oh- and I've done the same thing with the clippers- except only on my son- not my husband! And since he was only 2, he didn't mind (or even notice) ;)
I had that same scrape with dark frugality when my husband and I were engaged and trying to save money for our wedding, so I went by the barracks where he was stationed to give him a flat top (perfectly acceptable in military circles, even today.) Unfortunately I had no mastery of the guard at all and he ended up completely clean shaven which is what you could have ended up with so just be thankful. :-) I certainly did not save "evidence" of my mishap in the form of a photo, for THAT I am thankful.
LOL! That, though stressful at the time, is hilarious. :) My husband won`t let me within ten feet of his head with a pair of scissors. Despite the fact that I`ve proven my skills on our sons` heads. He says his hair is tricky and must be treated by a professional.
This story is not only funny, but has the ability to clean out your sinuses if you happen to be drinking soda, laugh way to hard and well you know... In Theory Of Course.
My husband was in the Army some years ago and tried to convince me that I could cut his hair. I swore something like this would happen, of course it did. On the upside we were able to quick fix his (hello, Army) and I'm not alone in the haircut went horribly wrong category.
Thank You for the best laugh I've had all week! Blessings, Whitney
Oh, my! I have done this before too, and felt the same way you did. Horrible! Except he is in construction and just let me finish cutting it all off. Baldy sour.
Too funny! And your husband is very handsome. I prefer the newer pictures though. Laughing at his 90's sweater!
Jen
pus-seeping, hairy mess.
that had me cracking up!
Kat
Hi this is so funny! I can totally relate. I just cut his hair a few days ago to save money too. I really tried my best to convince him to let me cut his hair for weeks because he's so particular about it. He finally capitulated! hahaha. Anyway, I made some mistakes but it's not that obvious because he combs it so that the errors don't show. He even bragged to his co-workers about me cutting his hair. I'd still cut his hair from now on to save money...If he'd still let me LOL
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